God gives me so much of pain,
Physically and mentally that,
It makes me vulnerable to self harm till the
Suicidal thoughts come in place.
After which I start pondering over the existence of the god. At First I fear from God and deter any ill words against him inside my soul. On the other hand,simultaneously,some negative words starts budding inside my mind against him.
I cringe to buzz off these voice-overs but they do not tend to leave until I start shedding tears.
Let me brief you something about the musings that goes inside my head in this abyss.I know why I fear ill words against him.Because conventional parenting has inhabited such customs in me which does not let me speak anything bad to god otherwise I would be consistently and continuously be discomforted by the almighty through the tick and tricks from inside his duffel. As per the traditional notions any ill intention against him will destroy us completely.
I don’t believe in this. If there’s any power named God, I think he would be mature enough to let his preacher’s mistakes go. He might have bigger fishers to fry rather than being involved in a punishment game like teachers play in school. He should rather be putting hault on crimes,make a public beneficiary government, eradicate poverty,stop sexual assault,end someone’s health misery,and stop anything determinant to good humans and animals well being,in my opinion.
The other thing which is going inside my head is a lead to the knowledge prompted by reading self-help books which says that there is just one god that is you,believe in power of faith,your subconscious mind is the key to achieve everything and all that about self realization. In simple words,my mind doesn’t believe in God some times and these voices starts taking over when I’m really frustrated and blame GOD for everything bad happening to me.